What Even *is* a Pap Smear

Smear? That's the word we're going with?!

If you have a cervix, it’s important to get a pap smear every 3-5 years. The test can detect early signs of cervical cancer — like I said, it’s important. Pap smears are important.

That’s not up for debate.

However, I’ve gathered us all here today to ask a pressing question: Why are we still calling them smears?

The pap smear (like so many medical discoveries) is named for the man who invented it, George Papanicolaou. We love George! Credit where credit is due. He came up with the test in the 20’s and it was accepted by the medical community about two decades later, so he was obviously dedicated to the cervical cause.

But the smear.

This latter half of the term comes from the action doctors did to create a sample of people’s cervical cells. They used a teeny brush or an itty bitty spatula to swab a cervix (not unlike how paps are done in modern times), and then smeared the sample onto a clear plastic tray. The tray went under a microscope and doctors could check for any irregularities.

I asked my GYN if the smear is even relevant anymore. “Oh god no,” she laughed. “We just call it that.” Nowadays, the sample gets deposited into a small container of liquid and sent to a lab. It’s less of a smear and more of a swipe.

The honest truth is that I’ve never seen what happens to my cervical cells after the doctor yoinks them from my splayed body. The majority of my pap smear experiences have been spent trying not to make weird jokes because I don’t want to give the impression I’m ungrateful for the preventative healthcare. Even at my most curious, I’ve only mustered the strength to ask to see the light-up speculum my GYN uses. Imagining it lifting my vagina open like a carjack was quite frankly my limit.

But smear?

I think the smear bothers me because to anyone who hasn’t gone to medical school or googled the etymology of “pap smear” the smear sounds like what’s happening to your cervix. That every 3 to 5 years, our cervix is getting smeared.

By what? I don’t know, I just trust the process.

After finding out that the “smear” isn’t even a thing nowadays, I’ve been coming up with alternative names for the test.

Pap test is cute — still giving a shout-out to our boy, George. Not so different that the change will be jarring.

What about cervical swab? Or cervical tickle? Maybe those sound like sex toys and could make the medical aspect confusing.

Apparently, “cervical” is Latin for “neck of the uterus,” so what if we called it a neck job?

Uterus scarf?

Cirque de Cervix?

Happy Pappy?

Obviously, I’m going to need som time to think about this … approximately 3 to 5 years should work. If you have any suggestions, please comment below.

And I’ll smear ya later.

Love,
Christina