IT'S OKAY TO BE NEGATIVE
My least favorite mental health advice
Hey Soblings,
This morning I made myself do an exercise video on YouTube. (No need to applaud unless you really want to.) Between moves, the host shared some of her favorite ways to “empower yourself.” Yay. Woo. We love to see it. I really loved some of them, like “compliment others” and “keep promises to yourself.”
BUT then she let this rip:
“Drop negativity. Let it go. When you let go of all the negative stuff, you have room for so much more positive!”
If you’ve read my book, you know this kind of advice drives me nuts. It steams my broccoli, it boils my clams. It elicits food metaphors out of me, apparently.
FEELING GOOD DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU WILL NEVER FEEL BAD.
I know the exercise lady meant well when she recommended letting go of negativity. Obviously, it’s not healthy to dwell. But making it sound so easy and laissez-faire diminishes the sometimes monstrous task of processing negativity. Life’s tough stuff is unavoidable, and negativity isn’t some egg sandwich that went bad in the fridge.
FEELING GOOD *DOES NOT MEAN* THAT YOU WILL NEVER FEEL BAD.
If you’re super sensitive like me (hi, I know you are, that’s how we found each other), then maybe you might use a statement like, “drop the negativity” as a weapon against yourself. Like maybe my negative thoughts, feelings, or experiences reflect who I am as a person, or that I’m somehow bringing bad stuff into my life by not being able to easily swat it away.
I’ve never felt 100% positive. Even in my childhood diaries, there are pages of me describing how happy I am on vacation and how devastated I am that it eventually has to end.
Steven C. Hayes, whose work inspired F*cking Deal With It, put it this way:
“But how can a person avoid pain if anytime, anywhere pain can be brought to the mind by anything related to that pain? The situation is actually worse than that. Not only can we not avoid pain by avoiding painful situations … pleasurable situations might evoke pain. Suppose someone very dear to you recently died, and today you see one of the most beautiful sunsets you’ve ever seen. What will you think?”
This doesn’t just apply to Big Life Things like a loved one dying. It can as small as feeling pissed at a stranger on YouTube for a few minutes while standing in your living room. Red lights. Bills. Someone chewing loudly. Your cat’s toe beans, your grandma’s house. Rain.
That’s one reason why I love the concept of ✨Acceptance✨ — it’s not about putting the egg salad sandwich1 in the trash where it could still stink up the whole kitchen. It’s about putting it down the mother effing garbage disposal. It might be more work, but it’s worth it!
📣 It’s okay to feel bad. 📣
Don’t let yourself fall into a cycle of beating yourself up for being a perfectly normal human being with a full range of human being emotions.
You’re doing great.
Love Always,
I know I said earlier that life's tough stuff is NOT an egg salad sandwich that went bad in the fridge, but let’s make this a fun lesson in accepting other people’s flaws, okay?