Why the F*ck Did Ursula Try to Marry Prince Eric?

This Little Mermaid detail has been bothering me for 30 years, sue me

Author’s Note: These musings are based purely off the 1989 Disney cartoon The Little Mermaid, not because I don’t respect the hell out of the original grisly Danish fairy tale or the more recent live action movie, but because I am lazy. Thank you for your understanding.

Remember when Ursula tried to marry Prince Eric in The Little Mermaid? Let me jog your memory:

Ursula, an all-powerful sea witch who has the power to literally shape-shift herself and others into different SPECIES (i.e. mermaid to human, mermaid to tiny wormy weed with weird eyes, etc), is a small business owner/life coach who offers to help “poor unfortunate souls” transform their lives from drab to fab so they can find love. I’m assuming she has a background in law because her contracts are air-tight and pretty freaking creative.

Like any hard-working woman, Ursula has big dreams. Dreams that involve ruling over the entire ocean as a tyrannical monarch, bending all living creatures to her will — you know, normal SHE-EO shit. Shattering that glass ceiling would involve getting King Triton out of the way, but she doesn’t want to kill him. Just add him to her wormy weed collection.

That’s business.

Ursula clearly knows her worth and isn’t afraid to ask for it.

Ursula’s life gets turned upside down when she graciously agrees to help a whiney sixteen-year-old princess mermaid named Ariel grow legs. Because money is meaningless 20,000 leagues under the sea, Ursula asks for the mermaid’s voice as payment. Seems fair. A steal, really.

It doesn’t hurt that the mermaid princess came out of King Triton and is one of his, like, twenty-five daughters. Ursula’s playing the long game here.

Please note the very professional font and scroll.

As per literally every other contract she’s ever drawn up, there’s a clause that if the aforementioned legs don’t get the mermaid a big smooch from her true love within 72 hours, Ursula gets to turn her into a little wormy for her little wormy weed collection (which is already quite substantial, proving her #girlboss status). This clause is such a standard practice that it’s in ALL of the sea witch’s Yelp reviews. It’s common knowledge. IT’S IN THE SONG, for fishsakes.

So I don’t get why everyone acts all surprised when the time comes for Ariel to pay up.

But that’s not what’s bothering me.

We’ve established that Ursula has cool powers, a fancy law degree, and a garden that could get her super TikTok famous. I understand why she would want to prevent the land lubber prince from locking lips with Ariel so she could use the mermaid as leverage against King Triton; that makes sense. At least get a coffee date out of this whole thing!

I don’t understand why Ursula tries to -marry- Prince Eric, Love is Blind style.

She straight up BECOMES A PERSON to mess with this guy. Like, she has a new NAME and BACKSTORY and AT LEAST FOUR LESS FEET. This took EFFORT and MAGIC and A LOT OF ENERGY. Observe:

Imagine being a peasant in this kingdom and hearing that Prince Eric (who, by the way recently had a near death experience in a freak ship accident and should probably be resting instead of hitting on mute girls while operating heavy machinery like carriages and row boats) woke up one morning and announced he wanted to marry a random girl he met on the beach. Right now.

Chop chop, we want to get married on a yacht and we want to get married on a yacht TODAY.

Personally, I’d have a few questions, like: “What about the crops?” “Can my children have some of the leftovers?” and “Are you sure the prince isn’t being hypnotized by a sea witch?” JUST SAYING.

Besides the improbability that an entire royal wedding could be pulled out of Grimsby’s butt in a day, why would Ursula move forward with such an unnecessarily elaborate plan? Especially when no one has signed a prenup and divorce lawyers are so expensive.

why.

Could Ursula marrying Prince Eric prevent Ariel from achieving her seven minutes in heaven? Probably.

Is there an easier way? Yes. There are so many easier, better options.

Here are several alternate plans, free of charge:

• Drown Eric. Obviously, get your eel goons to do it so you don’t leave fingerprints. Pros: Can’t kiss Ariel if he’s dead.

  Cons: Murder.

• Tell Eric he won the town lottery and the prize is an all-expenses-paid five day cruise, but it leaves from Florida. And the cruise starts tomorrow.
  Pros: Eric loves big boats, will definitely fall for it.

  Cons: He might be mad when he gets to Florida and finds out he did not in fact win a raffle.

• Lace all of Ariel’s food with garlic. Oldest trick in the book.

  Pros: Unless Eric loves garlic as much as he likes sailing, he will probably want to kiss her after she brushes her teeth, which she won’t because she doesn’t understand brushes.

  Cons: None? Garlic is delicious.
  Extra Pro: Another song from the French cook?

You know who would never use extreme, potentially dangerous magic to transform himself into a Bratz doll of a human in order to legally bind himself to some guy his client has a crush on?

Sebastian.

*slams gavel*

I rest my case.

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Suggested Reading:
A real lawyer wrote about all the ways Ursula’s contract would be null and void.
”Don’t Be King Triton, Consult With A Lawyer”
I’m very happy this exists.

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