The Incredible Miracle of Feeling Okay
Weaning off Lexapro has been the most physically horrible thing
I would love to approach the topic of weaning off antidepressants like Joan Didion or Nora Ephron even — informative, funny, with a fantastic twist of cultural connection or historical relevance. At least a life lesson we can all nod our heads to and “hmmm” wisely. But waiting for that burst of literary genius is stopping me from sharing my experience, so here’s the gist:
This July, I spent the month taking less and less mgs of Lexapro until on July 31st, I stopped taking it all together. Since then, the withdrawals (combined with the stress of life, I’m sure) have rocked my world. I thought I’d be in for an emotional beating — going off antidepressants can cause heightened anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts — but instead, my symptoms have been physical: dizziness, heart pounding, and (I can’t think of a polite way to say this) barfing my brains out.
Why wean off Lexapro? I’m a girl who risked Covid and bankruptcy to make a short film about what a very good decision starting medication was.
I still stand by it! Taking Lexapro will forever be a good decision in the history of my life. The week I filled my prescription, I stopped drinking because my doctor said it could cause dizziness and now I’ve been sober for six years.
But I was never supposed to be on it forever. Last summer, after a bunch of Life Stuff felt out of control, my doctor and I made a plan that I would start taking 20mg, but then wean off after a year. One of the weirdest things about depression and medications like Lexapro is that the symptoms sort of melt together. I was tired, my brain felt literally heavy. I got hit with Covid and that made the inside of my head more confusing.
So when the year mark hit, I wanted a change.
If you’re at all versed in antidepressant lore, I’m sure you are shaking your screen and yelling, “YOU HAVE TO WEAN OFF SLOWLY!!!!!!!!!!!”
And, my beautiful friend, I thought I did. I followed directions. I love directions. Going down 5mg at time felt tamer than starting 10mg and then raising to 20.
I experienced symptoms almost immediately. They mirrored the electric discomfort I felt when I first started Lexapro: brain zaps, hyper body awareness, and (according to my boyfriend) randomly falling into a British accent. After a few days, though, my body went back to normal. I took extra good care of myself, expecting the roof of anxiety or depression to cave in.
It never did, and I counted the whole thing as a victory.
But then…
I started feeling car sick when I was out and about. The first week of August, I got violently sick to my stomach and chalked it up to heat exhaustion.
Then a week later, I felt sick again but assumed I was nervous about a modeling gig I somehow booked. After the photoshoot, I vommed for the whole day.
My bed became the only safe place for a while. If I laid perfectly still, I could feel okay maybe.
Feeling okay has become a luxury.
The symptoms are slowly dissipating, but it still feels like they can jump out and scare me whenever they want … like yesterday when I was at the art store searching for a black color pencil. I’m typing this from bed now after another bout of what I can only call The Yuck.
It’s been over six weeks since July 31st and my last dose of Lexapro.
Unfortunately, I’m finding out this isn’t an uncommon thing. So many people have shared similar stories. I love Reddit right now. There’s a whole community of folks discussing their symptoms coming on and going off Lexapro. I’ve even found myself scrolling through morning sickness horror stories. Women seriously will be vomiting uncontrollably and still go to work, take care of their families, and be amazing. (And no, I’m not pregnant, just nauseous.)
I’m in touch with my doctor and she is amazing and I am going to be okay. Even though my body hasn’t caught up, my brain actually does feel like there’s been a film lifted off.
I can’t wait to not have to think about my body. I’m going to go for long walks and swim in the pool and meet people for coffee. I got cast in a live stream DnD show that I’m so excited to share with you — everyone involved is so smart and clever. I want to make videos again and I booked an art show at a local cafe in February, so I am going to paint.
And I’m going to feel okay.
What a beautiful thought.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Christina