What in God's Name is Over-Identification?
And do I really need another thing to worry about?
I recently finished an 8 week therapy workshop on self-compassion (feel free to applaud), and I learned a term on the very last day that really stuck with me.
Over-Identification.
The words popped up in the results of a self-compassion quiz I had to to do for homework. I scored super high in the over-identification category, and my inner straight-A student was hoping this indicated that I aced my class and now had honor roll worthy self esteem.
Not so fast, recovering overachiever!
It turns out over-identification might be one of the biggest obstacles I create for myself. One of the leading researchers of self-compassion, Dr. Kristin Neff (she owns the domain self-compassion.org, so you know she’s the real deal), defines over-identification as the opposite of mindfulness.
”Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them … mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.” - Dr. Neff
Mindfulness is observing your thoughts as clouds floating by; over-identification is canceling all of your plans because some of the clouds look kind of gray.
I might be over-identifying with over-identification, but hecking heck has this been a theme for me the last few months. The beginning of the pandemic started a chain reaction of huge changes in my life, culminating in a huge breakup and moving away from Los Angeles (a city I over-identify as part of my personality even though we have less in common every day). Even after building a beautiful new environment for myself in the PNW, there are times I still feel scared, sad, and a big sense of loss.
Which, from here, on a Good Brain Day™️ sounds quite reasonable, healthy even.
But instead of observing those feelings, I throw myself into them. I rarely allow myself to just be sad, opting instead to worry that every decision I’ve ever made cannot be trusted and I will be sad forever and isn’t that so sad how I’m sad. My tears are a sign, I don’t belong, nothing is right. Saddy saddy sad sad.
This is not a good example of self-compassion (I can feel my therapist tensing as I type this), but it’s embarrassing! A minor inconvenience can shut me down for days!! I know it affects my life and loved ones.
So anyway, while I mindfully attempt to live more mindfully, I’ve decided to use my over-identification for good. When I feel peaceful or comforted, catch a warm sun ray on my face or hear Mister make a cute noise, when that first smell of coffee hits my nose or my back cracks during yoga — I’m going to over-identify as happy.
Take that, brain!
For actually good advice on how to work through the knots of over-identification, try this site and/or anything Dr. Kristin Neff does.